Every 5-10 years I go through an iteration upgrade. I change. This most recent upgrade is a shift in my socialization habits. I stopped drinking and using substances. This weekend I attended the most beautiful wedding I’ve ever been to. It was in Carmel Valley, about an hour away from where we live here in Santa Cruz. There were manicured garden paths, thousands of blooming orchids, tunnels of trumpet vines, ferns, floating bouquets and twinkle lights galore. It was stunning and historically the perfect place to want to drop into the magic of a sparkly substance in celebration of love with my favorite people.

We were there for the weekend and it would have been nice to seize the day (and night and next morning and possibly the rest of the day too) leading to enormous fun and an enormous recovery. I hate hangovers. I hate the shamies, and especially the emotional coming back to earth of it all. As if Earth isn’t the most beautiful planet. It’s one of those decision that I’ve made over and over again knowing the consequences and feeling completely in my power saying, “worth it.”

Until now.

For me, over the past 5 years I’ve noticed that my natural magic had become mundane in a way I never anticipated. Things weren’t feeling magical without a substance additive. For example, looking at a sunset I would immediately think “aw this would be so romantic with a glass of wine.” or watching a new moon sparkling sky full of stars and shooting stars I’d wonder, “wow this would be epic on mushrooms or acid.” All of these things are indeed very inspiring in conjunction with the addition of that form of practical magic but, I never needed that before. These natural phenomena are in and of themselves are a trip.

I’m reflecting with some awareness on the different states of being. Daily is the epicness of life. More isn’t always better. I am remembering what it’s like to simply be in awe without a comparative substance filter for everything in a way that lessens my experience of natural beauty. And at the same time those experiences in many ways expanded what I see.

I think trying substance tools helped me to peek at what may be possible. I also know I am capable of getting there from here with technology of my body intelligence if thats the goal. I’ve always had a complex inner world. I realized that for me, I was practicing using substances to feel magic and connected instead of having a spiritual practice to be magic and connected. I’m glad for my explorations. Not everyone needs that. In the last few months my lifeblood of magic has been pulsing harder. I had to coax it back. Through spiritual practice.

So the epic quest of dancing and twirling through a sober wedding weekend deep in the heart of festival friend kingdom was not only a success, it was a spiritual practice. It was beautiful, magical, connective, reflective and full of love. A also learned more about myself. My sober well of social energy runeth dry around 11:30pm. I don’t turn into a pumpkin but may wake up a hermit. I finally understand and am delighted to be one of those tea drinking 40 year olds I used to laugh at and say, “boooooring.”